It seems to me that just after you leave high school, there is this period of time when you get the freedom of an adult with none of the responsibilities. No one expects you to have a job or live on your own. This time is called "college" and it's something I took a strange and winding road through. The problem is, I didn't really see it for what it was until it was gone. Now, thinking about going back to college, it's not really an option to be a full time student.
I have to worry about insurance, bills, rent, laundry, work performance. Everyone does, I mean that's normal, but I feel like I only realized what I had frittered away now that it's long gone. I remember when I lived in a tiny room in a house with four of my friends and worked part time at a place I actually liked working overall. Looking back, I wasted so much time. I will never have as much free time as I did then. I doubt I would ever have found a better time in my life to have devoted time to personal projects. Now, I have all these things I want to do and no time or energy to do them. I'm beginning to understand the phrase "youth is wasted on the young" and I'm only 24.
I want to go back to those times, to some extent. I want to get some cool roommates, pay less than a third of what I pay now for rent and work part time. I want to have some afternoons free so I can go take a class or spend all day working on a project that I enjoy and care about. I think that's what it is; I want to care about what I'm doing for 40 hours a week. I want to care about what I'm doing every hour of the week. I see people, younger than me, living the life I want to lead and it makes some part of me deep down inside seethe with jealousy. A big part of me rages against the expectations of my life and my family. I'm planning contingencies, trying to figure out what to do to fix this, and I've made some steps in a direction that will hopefully take me closer to where I want to be. I don't plan on being one of those people who whines and whines but never tries to make their life better.
First step: get a different job. I'm hoping to get a job as an adjunct, and work both that AND my current job for a little while until I can get enough classes that I can survive off of that alone. Spending time with my mom really stresses me out about all of this kind of stuff because she is only supportive of me insofar as supporting me doing things she approves of. Hint: she does not approve of quitting a job that gives health insurance. I can get health insurance other ways though, and come March I can move to a cheaper apartment (though I do like this one, I really don't use any of the stuff that contributes to the price) or maybe find someone I could live with.
With the extra time I can take some programming classes and work on the games I've been wanting to make which will ideally make money. If they don't, wellllll fuck, but I'll try not to ever be in a position where I'd be relying on them to make me enough money to survive. I'm hypothetically trying to reduce my expenses, but I need to really clamp down on my spending because I just can't afford to eat out or to shop online so much now, and I certainly won't then. Maybe it'll be a bit rough at times, but even if the worst should happen and I utterly fail, I'll have been doing things that I actually gave a crap about and I'll have tried to make my life better rather than sitting on my butt, whining about how unsatisfying my life is.
On the relationship front, depending on how things go I may just spend some time working my own stuff out without having to worry about or lean on anyone else. I guess a part of me is afraid of, down the line, not pursuing something potentially good for no reason other than principal. But really, with how things have been going with my boyfriend and no reason to expect to find anyone else in the future, I can honestly say that I'm feeling sort of relieved by the prospect of being single again. I know there will always be the odd lonely night, but I don't have any desire to go hunting and I can deal with self-imposed celibacy far better than the unintentional sort.