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Sep. 6th, 2011

bitch

Clearly I've not been saved or I would've reloaded years ago

                I've felt a certain way when I think about my life and how it's gone so far from time to time, and I've had trouble describing the feeling. I've described it as wanting to fall into a coma and wake up to find that the storm of responsibility has passed and I can relax, but that's not entirely accurate. I believe that I finally pinned down the sensation while I was playing The Old Republic beta: the deep and painful yearning to reload from a save point. The desire to stick my fingers into the pages where I made all the important decisions of my choose-your-own-adventure so I can flip back if I'm not satisfied with where that branch is leading. It's not that I feel like I made some abysmal error that's going to ruin my metaphorical endgame, but I feel like, being wiser and more experienced, I could have made better choices than the ones I made!  I feel like I'm not my best me. I sort of want another go.

                It seems to me that just after you leave high school, there is this period of time when you get the freedom of an adult with none of the responsibilities. No one expects you to have a job or live on your own. This time is called "college" and it's something I took a strange and winding road through. The problem is, I didn't really see it for what it was until it was gone. Now, thinking about going back to college, it's not really an option to be a full time student.

                I have to worry about insurance, bills, rent, laundry, work performance. Everyone does, I mean that's normal, but I feel like I only realized what I had frittered away now that it's long gone. I remember when I lived in a tiny room in a house with four of my friends and worked part time at a place I actually liked working overall. Looking back, I wasted so much time. I will never have as much free time as I did then. I doubt I would ever have found a better time in my life to have devoted time to personal projects. Now, I have all these things I want to do and no time or energy to do them. I'm beginning to understand the phrase "youth is wasted on the young" and I'm only 24.

                I want to go back to those times, to some extent. I want to get some cool roommates, pay less than a third of what I pay now for rent and work part time. I want to have some afternoons free so I can go take a class or spend all day working on a project that I enjoy and care about. I think that's what it is; I want to care about what I'm doing for 40 hours a week. I want to care about what I'm doing every hour of the week. I see people, younger than me, living the life I want to lead and it makes some part of me deep down inside seethe with jealousy. A big part of me rages against the expectations of my life and my family. I'm planning contingencies, trying to figure out what to do to fix this, and I've made some steps in a direction that will hopefully take me closer to where I want to be. I don't plan on being one of those people who whines and whines but never tries to make their life better.  

                First step: get a different job. I'm hoping to get a job as an adjunct, and work both that AND my current job for a little while until I can get enough classes that I can survive off of that alone. Spending time with my mom really stresses me out about all of this kind of stuff because she is only supportive of me insofar as supporting me doing things she approves of. Hint: she does not approve of quitting a job that gives health insurance. I can get health insurance other ways though, and come March I can move to a cheaper apartment (though I do like this one, I really don't use any of the stuff that contributes to the price) or maybe find someone I could live with.

              With the extra time I can take some programming classes and work on the games I've been wanting to make which will ideally make money. If they don't, wellllll fuck, but I'll try not to ever be in a position where I'd be relying on them to make me enough money to survive. I'm hypothetically trying to reduce my expenses, but I need to really clamp down on my spending because I just can't afford to eat out or to shop online so much now, and I certainly won't then. Maybe it'll be a bit rough at times, but even if the worst should happen and I utterly fail, I'll have been doing things that I actually gave a crap about and I'll have tried to make my life better rather than sitting on my butt, whining about how unsatisfying my life is. 

               On the relationship front, depending on how things go I may just spend some time working my own stuff out without having to worry about or lean on anyone else. I guess a part of me is afraid of, down the line, not pursuing something potentially good for no reason other than principal. But really, with how things have been going with my boyfriend and no reason to expect to find anyone else in the future, I can honestly say that I'm feeling sort of relieved by the prospect of being single again. I know there will always be the odd lonely night, but I don't have any desire to go hunting and I can deal with self-imposed celibacy far better than the unintentional sort.

Feb. 12th, 2011

bitch

My first sculpture

So, last night I was free so I decided to finally use the clay I got to make something. I wanted it to be relatively simple, but kinda cool, so I decided to start with a chess piece. I made a rook, it turned out a tad lumpy, but ok. Then, to make it more fun, I decided to put a little dragon on it. At first I was trying to make an armature for it so I could have wings, but I'm not very good with armatures it seems and couldn't get it to work. So the dragon is wingless, but otherwise it turned out alright for my first go at sculpting. See process and results below the cuts!

Pre-cooked rook:Collapse )
Post-cook rook:Collapse )
Sanded rook, made dragon:Collapse )Post-cook dragon:Collapse )
Dragon sanded, rook painted and taped off:Collapse )
Fully PaintedCollapse )

Jan. 6th, 2011

bitch

Resolutioning

True to my style, my New Year’s resolution is out a bit late. I know that if I keep my resolution too abstract, I won’t have any direction and will likely just forget about it. Informally, my resolutions are to adhere to a stricter schedule, keep my apartment cleaner, and get in better shape, among a bunch of other things. All pretty generic I guess, but I guess the first part of getting it done is part of the resolution itself: figure out how I can do all the stuff I need to do, and still have time for all the stuff I want to do.

I spend a lot of “dead” time, which is to say, time when I could be doing something, but instead just sit in front of a computer, surfing the web. It’s not very fun or fulfilling, and it’s a huge waste of time, so it’s getting cut.

 I also need to specify a time every week to do a chore; dishes should be an ongoing thing, and I need to get used to cleaning and putting them in the dishwasher after I dirty them instead of letting them sit in the sink. Getting my damn disposal fixed will aid in this because half my sink is currently unusable because it won’t drain. Every Sunday afternoon, I will alternate doing a few loads of laundry one week, and cleaning my bathroom and rat cage the next. Ideally, keeping that level of maintenance on my apartment will keep my apartment livable and not embarrassing.

Work has me doing very simple modeling, when I get to do any modeling at all, so I’m afraid my skills are going to get rusty; I’d like to create a thing a week, and that includes unwrapping and texturing. It doesn’t have to be super complex, and it should definitely be something associated with the game I’m working on, which brings us to the next:

I would like the company that Wendy and I have created to succeed, and the means making money. I have the framework for the Russian roulette game made, and I need to look into making that into an actual iphone/android app instead of just a flash game. I doubt we’ll get a ton of downloads on it, but it’ll be out there. I also need to allot time to work on designing and creating at least a prototype of the level. Ideally that would be an extension of the previous paragraph.

I’d like to start getting up at the same time every day, and allow myself time in the morning to consume a bowl of cereal. Since this will ideally be a constant, and I will have food in my stomach, this would be a good time to take vitamins which I never remember to take.

In order to save money, I need to eat in more often, which means I will be eating a lot of cereal, soup and sandwiches very likely, which is fine because I like them and they are very inexpensive. This will also allow me to eat healthier, and control my portions. I don’t drink much sugary beverages regardless, but I’d like to cut them out entirely since there are many healthier options I enjoy more, like skim milk, crystal light, tea, and juice.

I have a feeling the reason I’m tired as often as I am is I just don’t do enough physical activity. I’m bad about going to the gym, though I shouldn’t have a reason to since I have access to a small one in the clubhouse of my complex which I intend to start using regularly. I’m thinking MWF after work, and maybe on Saturday as well, for 45-60 minutes. The treadmill a few times a week will only do so much though, and next quarter, when I’m down to one class, I’d like to start going to the Krav Maga place down in Fenton twice a week. It’s really only a 15-20 minute drive from where I live, it’s got a firm schedule for classes, and it’s something I’m interested in, so I’m hoping that those things combined will be enough motivation.

Right now I’ve got 4 or 5 TV shows I keep up with, and it doesn’t really bother me when I get behind on them, so that takes up very little free time. If I don’t play WoW fairly regularly I feel like I’m wasting my money, so I plan on playing that a few times a week. D&D is Sunday nights, which never conflicts with anything so that’s good. I figure, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday from 4:15 until I go to bed (before midnight on weekdays!) I can do whatever, which gives me time to work out, and to play games or read or watch TV. That’s >7 hours a night, 4 days a week. D&D, if we started at 5 (BAHAHAHAHAHA XD) and went to midnight, would like another 7 hours, equating to ~35 hours of fun time a week. If I watch mah stories (MAX 4 hours/week) and use 2 of those days to work out an hour each, that leaves about 29 hours for video games and reading. Likely I’ll spend about 20 of that on WoW.

If I allot Saturday afternoons to homework, that should be enough time to get done what I can’t get done in lab. I’d also like to feel what it’s like to be ahead of my class work for once, so I can use that time to work on my final projects as well. You know, like you’re supposed to.

I don’t want to spread myself too thin, but when I graduate, if I get a chance between work, working out, working on stuff for the company, and gaming, I’d like to get into sculpting miniatures, or really just sculpture in general. Sadly, all the sculpture classes offered by stlcc are morning/afternood weekday classes, so I can’t do that, which means I have to learn on my own. That’s very doable, but it also means I have to schedule time for it rather than having the time scheduled for me, which shouldn’t make as big a difference as it does. Still, that’s assuming I have time for this shenanigans.

I will be graduating in May, if I’m remembering the schedule properly (yay! Finally!) That’s not so much a goal as it is an assertion, but it will be fantastic to have that no longer hanging over my head, and I’ll get tons of money!

As pertains to relationships, well, I think being “alone” for now is a good idea. I’m trying to get my life organized, and adding another variable could make it all fall apart. Once I’m secure enough in my schedule that I feel like I can make room for dating without messing everything up, I might try again, but I don’t feel compelled to be in a relationship. If things end up going that direction and it goes well, I guess great? But I wouldn’t even deem it a tertiary goal.

Oct. 14th, 2010

bitch

Bigby and Tenser come home

So I got 2 male rats last night, and they're really really cute. They're brothers, and have very distinct personalities. The paler one is Bigby, who is curious and calm. The darker one is Tenser, who has consigned himself to be a corner dweller; I think Bigby brings food down for him (there are platforms, and the food dish is on the 2nd one up.) He is very timid and poops himself when he gets scared, which is often.

I took Bigby out to play when I got home from work, and his first instinct was to crawl out of my arms and up my chest to my shoulder, then crawl in circles around my neck, occasionally trying to crawl up my head.
                                                                                 Hidey hole!


                                                                    Give ush a kish!


                                                                         Chillin on my chest
 
After putting him back, I quickly realized Tenser wasn't going to be coaxed into moving to my hand so I just picked him up (poop #1.) Then, I stood up (poop #2) and he stuck his head in the crook of my arm and buried himself as far as he could in my hoodie. So, figuring he was scared of heights, I, gently as I could, sat down on the ground (poop #3) so he would feel more comfortable. After trying to run away a bit, i laid down and let him chill on my stomach, apparently now a stable enough position for him to not panic. After a while of letting him get comfortable with the idea of being handled by a human, and put him back in the cage. When I opened the cage, it made a loud sound, prompting poop #4. Here's the only shot I could get of him.


I have a feeling he's going to be harder to socialize. I'm going to the store to get baby carrots and pistachios, which should help with that.

Sep. 7th, 2010

bitch

(no subject)

 I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT!!!!!

Come this may, my dreams of being the eccentric (cool?) aunt will be realized. Updates on this when updated are warranted. 

Aug. 23rd, 2010

bitch

Verbal abuse does not equate to flirtation

Everyone at some point in time has probably encountered someone they can't stand. Someone so thoroughly loud and obnoxious, they incite violent, angry stabby thoughts. Imagine, if you dare, a creature with the body of the unfortunate boy that plays Neville in Harry Potter, and the mind of a particularly yappy chihuahua. You have a decent idea of what one of the lab assistants at my school is like.

He talks non-stop, yells across the room to join into conversations when he has no real idea what they're about, and spouts the most inane random unfunny shit every time his mouth opens. He says things like "DUUUUDE I can't believe I have to work tonight, I was TOTALLY gonna score with this SUPER HOT CHICK!" loudly, and to no one in particular. I have made it no secret that i dislike him intensely. I have been outright rude to his face. My friend, who is also a lab assistant, is often sitting next to me and she and I will very unsubtly talk to each other about how we wish he would shut up, while he is in the room. I think he's often too busy talking to hear.

Here's where it gets good (and by good I mean GODAWFUL): My friend tells me today that he spoke to her, and declared his belief that I like him, because I'm "always picking on" him, and asked if I've ever spoken to her about him. She can barely keep from laughing, trying to decide whether to tell the truth. She decides to be nice and just say "no" rather than "yes, mostly about how much she wants to punch you in the face." He proceeds to say that he thinks I'm "super hot" and he "tries to say funny stuff around me a lot."

Which means that I am, indirectly, the cause of my own suffering. :( I can appreciate the irony, but not the moronic jabbering.

In less irritating news: Specs for my fancy new desktop that will hopefully come in not too long!

CASE: Apevia X-Dreamer 3 Mid-Tower Gaming Case w/ Side-Panel Window & Temperature Display (Black Color with Red Ring & Red LED Fan)
CPU: Intel(R) Core™ i7-940 2.93 GHz 8M Intel Smart Cache LGA1366
FAN: Asetek 510LC Liquid Cooling System 120MM Radiator & Fan (Enhanced Cooling Performance + Extreme Silent at 20dBA)
HDD: 128 GB Kingston 2.5 inch SATA Gaming MLC Solid State Disk  (Single Hard Drive)
HDD2: 1TB SATA-III 6.0Gb/s 64MB Cache 7200RPM HDD (Single Hard Drive)
MEMORY: 12GB (2GBx6) DDR3/1600MHz Triple Channel Memory Module [+171] (A-Data Gaming Series with Heat Spreader )
MOTHERBOARD: * (3-Way SLI Support) MSI X58A-GD65 Intel X58 Chipset SLI/CrossFireX Triple-Channel DDR3 ATX Mainboard w/ 7.1 Audio, eSATA, GbLAN, USB3.0, SATA-III, RAID, IEEE1394a, 3 Gen2 PCIe, 2 PCIe X1 & 2 PCI
OVERCLOCK: Extreme OC (Extreme Overclock 20% or more)
VIDEO: NVIDIA GeForce GTX 470 1.2GB 16X PCIe Video Card  (EVGA Superclocked )

It looks like this:

I went with red because it's a lot easier on the eyes; if I ever move it to my room, I know from experience how eye-jarringly bright blue LEDs are. I will take a low spectrum color thank you very much. I also like red and black together.

I can't wait til it comes in the mail :) Ridiculously excited! And with that, I'm off to bed.


May. 5th, 2010

bitch

On tattoos:

So, I promised myself when I got my associate's degree I'd get my cartilage pierced (which I did do; took the earring out overnight after a few months and it healed almost instantly) and when I got my BS I'd get a tattoo. Well, I'm (hopefully?) getting my BS this year, so I've been thinking more seriously about what I want to get. I like the idea of a power button. I was thinking back of the neck (I am told this hurts and I'm ok with this.)
Alternately, well, the game "The Longest Journey" had a big impact on me and despite being old is still in my opinion one of the best games ever made, and is the benchmark in video games as a storytelling medium. Additionally, the art was fantastic and the screens announcing the beginning of each chapter featured the symbol of the balance surrounded by two serpents eating one anothers' tails. A recurring theme in the game is dragons, as well, and the serpents allude to Ouroboros so I found a good, simple rendering of the balance symbol online and butchered a dragon I found to create this mock up (not necessarily monochromatic):

here is the dragon I tore apart to make the ringCollapse )
here is a screenshot of the symbol and serpents from the gameCollapse )

The power button is simpler but a little less personal than the TLJ one. No one will really get that it's a reference, but I would and I'd be getting it for me; besides, I think it just looks cool but my view is a bit biased what with loving the game and all. I was hoping to get some thoughts on this, any input would be good.

Apr. 13th, 2010

bitch

This is just great

Ok, so apparently these three guys decided to try lsd, and one of them ended up in the closet rambling to himself. So, his friends recorded what he was saying and animated a gecko thing... I don't know... it's weird but it's hilarious. He also has a heavy boston accent Lighthouses rule.


Apr. 5th, 2010

bitch

(no subject)

So, Bioware is having this sort of auction thing where you get tokens for doing things like registering your games and getting people to click on links. It just directs you to the mass effect or dragon age site, but it'll give me more tokens with which to possibly get swag so if you could click this link I'd appreciate it very much! Thanks.
http://social.bioware.com/brc/16584

Jan. 1st, 2010

bitch

A new year

Let's be fair, the world is not such a different place overnight, but it does feel like a fresh start. This month I'll start training for my new job, which is the first "real" job I've ever had (full time, salary.) I'm really excited, because I'm probably one of the few people from my school to find a job that is both in my field and in the area, so it'll be convenient to finish school AND get experience in the field. The company itself is long established and has a great reputation for treating their employees well, and even without that I'm psyched to be doing 3D modeling and getting paid for it!

Nevertheless, there are still some things that need to change.

1: Procrastinate less. I'm not starting off the year well on that account, being that there are a few school things I need to finish up this week that I should've been spending more time on.

2: Exercise: the most ubiquitous of all resolutions. I have the means to right now, but I've always had trouble getting into any kind of routine. I'm hoping that because my job will have an inherent routine I'll be able to more easily schedule things like exercise around it, keep me in line. I know that I'm capable of exercise because I did so regularly in high school, but I've long since gotten out of the habit, and it's starting to show a little. Time to tone up!

3: Maintain a livable bedroom. Right now, my room has a massive pile of clothing that I haven't had the time (or when I had the time, was too intimidated by) to put away. If I get better about putting my clothes away as soon as they're out of the laundry, and make sure I don't miss the laundry basket, it'll be easy to maintain the rest of it. It would also be a good idea to hang a second laundry bag on the bathroom door, since I often forget to bring my dirty clothes back with me after I shower.

Other than that, I should probably work out where I'm going to be living come this May. It seems pretty far in advance to be thinking about it, but if I don't think about it now it's just going to sneak up on me and BAM I'll be a hobo, or worse, be living with my mom. :(

Also, people have been posting where they were 1 decade ago; it's kind of funny, because 2000 doesn't FEEL like it was forever ago, but I remember being at my Aunt Barb's house for the party, mainly because there's a picture of me there. I was much heavier and more taciturn. I was 13, about to turn 14, and have almost no memories from middle school; it's like this blank spot in my life. It was post-divorce and pre-dad-disappearing, but I saw him rarely enough that it doesn't feel that significant in terms of change. As a person, I'm much less troubled now, and more outgoing (which speaks volumes for how quiet I was then, because I'm still fairly introverted.) I will say that it's all change for the better since then, though. It's a good trend, and I'm hoping it stays that way!

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